Transcript - Tom Bellamy
Tom Bellamy (00:00.000)
I think the best description of limerence is that it’s an altered mental state — a state of profound romantic infatuation. It really does feel like your mind is operating in a different mode. Another good way of describing it, though with nuance, is that it’s an addiction to another person.
The term itself, limerence, was coined by Professor Dorothy Tennov, who introduced the concept in her book Love and Limerence: The Experience of Being in Love (1979). She defined it through interviews with people in the early stages of love, identifying common symptoms of what she saw as a distinct psychological state.
For me, as a neuroscientist reading this now in 2025, we have an extra half-century of brain science to apply to her ideas. Looking at limerence through the lens of neuroscience — and especially behavioural addiction — is a very useful way of understanding the experience.
Jessie Leondiou (02:09.05)
That’s really interesting. Can you walk me through what neuroscience has added to the understanding of limerence since Tennov first coined the term?
Tom Bellamy (02:19.433)
Tennov approached limerence behaviourally, collecting testimonies from people falling in love. She created a list of symptoms — euphoria when you’re with the person, devastation when things go badly, anxiety about being with them, physical reactions like racing heart and sweaty palms, and intrusive thoughts that feel involuntary.
She also coined the term limerent object to describe the person you’re infatuated with — a bit dehumanising, but deliberate. When we’re in limerence, we often aren’t seeing the other person clearly. We project our romantic needs and ideals onto them.
From a neuroscience perspective, I ask: what mechanisms are regulating this euphoria? Why do some desires become irresistible? Why does the state swing from bliss to anxiety? That’s where concepts from addiction research become helpful.
Tom Bellamy (07:01.437)
We now understand much more about reward and arousal systems in the brain. The transition from enjoying someone’s company to feeling compelled and unable to stop thinking about them involves:
Arousal system (noradrenaline) — heightens alertness and excitement.
Reward system (dopamine) — strengthens the drive to seek the person.
Bonding system (oxytocin and vasopressin) — deepens the sense of special connection.
When these systems fire together repeatedly, it can create a powerful, compulsive loop — much like other behavioural addictions.
Jessie Leondiou (07:28.294)
So are some people more predisposed to experience limerence — the way some are more prone to addiction?
Tom Bellamy (07:48.467)
Yes, though it’s hard to separate nature and nurture. Genetics shape how our brains develop, but life experiences wire them too. Some people definitely have a predisposition towards addiction, including limerence.
I ran a survey using a representative polling panel and found that about 50–60% of people have experienced limerence at least once, and around half of those said it significantly disrupted their lives. Among people who self-identified with an anxious attachment style, around 79% reported experiencing limerence.
Jessie Leondiou (11:14.806)
I first came across the word limerence during COVID, and I remember it coincided with isolation and online dating. It almost felt like the circumstances primed my mind to ruminate and idealise more. Do you think social isolation or stress can trigger limerence?
Tom Bellamy (11:48.135)
Definitely. Life circumstances play a big role. Many people report spikes in limerence during isolation, grief, illness, or major life stress.
For those prone to limerence, fantasising about the person can act like a reliable mood-regulation tool. It offers comfort and a burst of reward — so during stressful times, the brain may lean on it even more.
Jessie Leondiou (14:02.582)
Yes — for me it started with journalling about the person and almost enjoying building out the fantasy. It felt good at first, but then I realised they were taking up 90% of my mental space.
Tom Bellamy (15:15.581)
Exactly. If you simply follow your instincts, they often lead you deeper into limerence. It can feel euphoric and purposeful at first, but over time it can become consuming and even destructive — especially if the person is unavailable or inappropriate.
I think of limerence in phases:
The Glimmer — that first spark of recognition that this person could be special.
Euphoria + Uncertainty — excitement grows, especially if you sense reciprocation but aren’t sure.
Fixation — they occupy most of your mental space. You ruminate, check social media, struggle to focus.
Desperation — the experience turns mostly negative; you crave relief from the obsession more than joy.
Recovery — eventually, it ends. People often look back and wonder what they ever saw in the person.
Learning to recognise the threshold between early euphoria and fixation is key — you can sometimes step back before it becomes full-blown addiction.
Jessie Leondiou (18:13.196)
That’s so helpful. What are the early warning signs someone might be heading into limerence?
Tom Bellamy (18:32.921)
The earliest sign is the glimmer — the “spark” that makes someone stand out and feel unusually potent. If you notice that, you can choose whether to lean in or set boundaries.
Another sign is when uncertainty supercharges your thoughts — mixed signals, cancelled plans, hot-and-cold behaviour. If you find yourself constantly analysing and replaying interactions, that’s when fixation can take over.
Jessie Leondiou (26:04.204)
It’s fascinating to think about how many people are walking around in this state.
Tom Bellamy (26:43.933)
Yes — based on my data and site visitors, it’s very common. Many people are in some stage of limerence at any given time, and those in the fixation or desperation phases often seek out communities for support.
Jessie Leondiou (30:28.305)
One thing I find so powerful about your site is the community — the comments are so vulnerable and supportive.
Tom Bellamy (30:28.305)
Yes, I started the site anonymously while I was experiencing unwanted limerence myself. Having a space where people can share safely and find others who understand is hugely valuable. Many people feel embarrassed and isolated, so that connection is healing.
Jessie Leondiou (32:15.054)
Would you be willing to share a bit of your own story?
Tom Bellamy (32:23.429)
Briefly, yes. I experienced mutual limerence with my wife when we first met, which was wonderful. Years later, in midlife, I developed limerence for a co-worker — unexpected and unwelcome.
I never disclosed it to her, but I did tell my wife. We worked through it together, which was crucial. That experience — and successfully coming out the other side — is what motivated me to start writing about limerence.
Jessie Leondiou (36:12.34)
Thank you for sharing that. It highlights how important it is to have shared goals and purpose as a couple.
Tom Bellamy (36:50.141)
Exactly. People are more vulnerable to limerence when they feel unfulfilled or directionless. Having a sense of purpose — individually or as a couple — is one of the best protections.
Jessie Leondiou (47:31.758)
Is there anything people can do to manage limerence once it starts?
Tom Bellamy (47:35.999)
Yes — metacognition is key. Becoming aware of your thoughts (“this is a limerent urge”) can interrupt the habit loop.
Practical steps:
Clear communication — if possible, ask directly whether a relationship is possible. A clear “no” removes the uncertainty that fuels limerence.
Journalling — writing helps externalise the thoughts and process what’s happening.
Purposeful living — pursue meaningful goals so your life feels bigger than the obsession.
Jessie Leondiou (48:02.51)
Does limerence always fade in a relationship?
Tom Bellamy (48:15.839)
Yes — usually within about 18 months. Consummation or a clear outcome accelerates the process. What keeps limerence alive is uncertainty and unfulfilled hope.
Jessie Leondiou (51:01.23)
And for those who want to learn more, where should they start?
Tom Bellamy (01:13:02.409)
On my site, livingwithlimerence.com, there’s a Resources page with two free e-books:
Take Control — practical steps for managing limerence.
Anxiety to Action — guidance for spouses or partners affected.
I’ve also launched a YouTube channel where I’m working through the fundamentals of limerence in video form.
Jessie Leondiou (01:14:28.432)
And just to finish, what’s the difference between love and limerence?
Tom Bellamy (01:14:48.063)
Limerence is one small slice of love — the fireworks at the start. Love is bigger: it’s affection, care, shared history, and intimacy built over time.
I like to say: limerence is fireworks, but love is the fire that warms the house.
Jessie Leondiou (01:18:45.538)
That’s a beautiful note to end on. Thank you, Tom — this has been such an enlightening conversation.
Tom Bellamy (01:19:03.859)
Thank you — making sense of limerence is really my driving force. Understanding it can remove so much of the shame and confusion.
Jessie Leondiou (01:19:21.55)
Thank you so much, Tom. I really appreciate your time.
Tom Bellamy (01:19:37.479)
You’re very welcome. I hope this conversation helps people feel less alone — and a little more in control of what can feel like a very disorienting experience.
Jessie Leondiou (01:20:05.836)
It definitely will. I think there’s a huge opportunity to create more resources around this — especially tools that help people reflect, like journalling prompts. So many of the people I talk to struggle with romance, and writing has been one of the most helpful ways to process it.
Tom Bellamy (01:21:07.231)
Yes — when you first reached out, I had a look at your work, and one of the things that made me say yes to this conversation is that your products look beautiful. I think journalling is a powerful practice.
I write daily for my blog and book, so I don’t keep a separate journal, but I see how valuable it can be — especially as part of what I call purposeful living.
There are very few rewards as powerful as limerence, so giving it up voluntarily can feel like a huge loss. One of the few things that can replace that intensity is pursuing a big, positive goal — something that transforms your life for the better. Journalling can help people define what that goal is and stay focused on it.
Jessie Leondiou (01:24:55.724)
That makes so much sense. And I think it reinforces why couples benefit from having shared goals — something bigger than themselves to work towards together.
Tom Bellamy (01:25:20.475)
Absolutely. That shared purpose strengthens the pair bond and gives you a framework for making choices that protect the relationship.
Limerence can feel intoxicating, and there’s often an illicit, risky edge to it. People are more vulnerable when they don’t have a clear direction for their lives. That’s why purposeful living is so important — and why I think tools like journalling can be such a help in navigating these states.
Jessie Leondiou (01:26:58.264)
Yes — it’s powerful and reassuring to hear that. This conversation has given me so much to think about.
Tom Bellamy (01:27:09.247)
I’m glad. Thanks again for the invitation — let me know when the episode goes live and I’ll share it with the community.
Jessie Leondiou (01:27:22.606)
Absolutely — and when your book comes out, I’d love to share that too. Thank you again, Tom.
Tom Bellamy (01:27:32.009)
Thank you. Take care.
Jessie Leondiou (01:27:40.000)
You too.